The uncertainty of the world grows increasingly apparent to me as I let go. An anxious man with an even more anxious child, I am forced to challenge my anxieties daily, for him. I can no longer create an illusion of control that is comforting to me.
I was a planner. What would I do if my wife fell into a coma? Under what circumstances would I euthanize my dog? Maybe, if I prepared for the worst (cognitively), I would somehow deal with those same matters more effectively (emotionally) if the event were to actually occur. If I was anxious over the uncertainty of something terrible happening, I would cope by developing intellectually conscious strategies in advance. I became less fearful of uncertainty as I became more certain of how I would deal with its many permutations.
Now, he has begun to exhibit anxious behaviors himself. He has an overwhelming fear that something important may be lost or thrown away. He wonders aloud if something important has happened that he might have missed, in his mind an opportunity lost that may never be recaptured. At less than 3 years, his once unshakable confidence is now on unsteady footing and I have sought counsel as to how to help him embrace uncertainty and accept its inevitability.
As I create a better world for him, my own uncertain anxiety now grows, yet I am comforted.
I was prepared for this; I already knew I would do ANYTHING for him.